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Meeting the needs of children during divorce is one of the most difficult challenges a parent can face. Mired in emotional turmoil and financial anxieties, divorcing parents are hardly at their best precisely when their children need them most. Can’t get much worse than that, right?
Unfortunately, it can. A number of popular misconceptions about what’s best for children during divorce make matters worse by misleading parents, and many divorce professionals, into making poor decisions. In this series of posts, we’ll examine eight myths about divorced parenting and what it means for children when parents hand over their decision-making authority to the courts.
MYTH #1: Parents must “insulate” their children from their divorce.
In reality, it is impossible to “insulate” anyone but the youngest of the children from divorce. And even if it were possible, the kids don’t want or need it. What children need is to be given the right information about divorce in the right way and at the right time.
There is a big difference between trying to insulate children completely from a divorce and protecting them from their parents’ conflict. As a divorcing father, he must absolutely protect his children from his disputes with his spouse. Children experiencing high conflict between their parents, even in intact families, are at increased risk for emotional disturbance.
But freezing the kids by refusing to talk about the divorce only adds to their anxiety. Children are much better off when their parents share key information, without judgment or unnecessary details. Agreeing with your co-parent on how, when, and what to tell your children is a critical first step toward healthy co-parenting after divorce.
Should No discuss finances with a child, or the specific reasons for divorce. A general statement, appropriate to the child’s developmental stage, is sufficient. For example, you can tell your son that he hasn’t been able to solve some adult problems and that he has agreed that it would be better for the family if he didn’t stay married.
Your children will also need additional information, such as if they will be moving, and if so, where, when, with whom, and whether the move might require a change of school. If you and your spouse still live in the family home, your children need to know when and how that will change.
You may not have the answers to those questions yet. If so, tell your children. Reassure them that you and your co-parent are working on the answers and that you will let them know as soon as you do. While you’re at it, also assure your children that the divorce is in no way their fault, and that both parents will continue to care for them and will always love them. And be sure to repeat those messages from time to time during and even after the divorce.
If you are having difficulty agreeing with your co-parent on child-related issues, consider seeking the advice of an experienced mental health professional or divorce counselor on how to better communicate and help your children through this terrible juncture in their lives. .
Children do not need “isolation” from divorce. They need conscious co-parenting that supports and protects them.