By 
Our mother is our first love. She is our introduction to life and ourselves. She is our lifeguard for safety. We initially learn about ourselves and our world through interactions with her. Naturally, we long for your physical and emotional sustenance, your touch, your smile, and your protection. Their empathic reflection of our feelings, wants, and needs informs us who we are and that we have value. A narcissistic mother who cannot empathize damages the healthy psychological development of her children. Like Narcissus in the Greek myth, she sees only a reflection of herself. There is no boundary between her and her children, whom she cannot see as unique individuals worthy of love. The symptoms of narcissism that make up Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) vary in severity, but inevitably compromise a narcissist’s ability to parent.
Lack of limits
Some of the effects on daughters are different than on sons, because girls tend to spend more time with their mother and see her as a role model. Due to the lack of boundaries, narcissistic mothers tend to view their daughters as threats and as attached to their own egos. Through directing and criticism, they try to mold their daughter into a version of themselves or their idealized self. At the same time, they project onto their daughter not only unwanted and denied aspects of themselves, such as self-centeredness, stubbornness, selfishness, and coldness, but also the unpleasant traits of their own mothers. They may prefer your child, although they may harm him in other ways, such as through emotional incest.
Emotional unavailability
The emotional comfort and closeness provided by normal maternal tenderness and care are absent. Narcissistic mothers may tend to their daughter’s physical needs, but they leave her emotionally helpless. The daughter may not realize what she is lacking, but she yearns for the warmth and understanding of her mother that she can experience with friends or family or witness in other mother-daughter relationships. She longs for an elusive connection, felt fleetingly or never. He does not learn to identify and value his emotional needs, nor does he know how to satisfy them. What remains is emptiness and / or anxiety, the feeling that something is missing, and the inability to nurture and comfort herself. You may seek to fill it in other relationships, but the pattern of emotional unavailability is often repeated.
Narcissistic abuse
Narcissistic abuse, which includes repeated shame and control, undermines a girl’s developing identity, creating insecurity and low self-esteem. She cannot trust her own feelings and impulses, and concludes that it is her fault that her mother is upset with her. He does not know that his mother will never be satisfied. In severe cases of emotional or physical abuse or neglect, a daughter may feel that she has no right to exist, is a burden on her mother, and should never have been born. If they are not also abusive, often the husbands of narcissistic women are passive and do not protect their daughters from maternal abuse. Some mothers lie and hide their abuse. A daughter does not learn to protect or defend herself. You may feel helpless or not even acknowledge abuse later in abusive adult relationships.
Toxic shame
Rarely, if ever, does she feel accepted for being herself. He must choose between sacrificing himself or losing his mother’s love: a pattern of self-denial and accommodation repeats itself as codependency. in adult relationships. Her real self is rejected, first by her mother and then by herself. The consequence is a toxic, internalized shame, based on the belief that your real self is unlovable. How could she be lovable if her own mother did not love or accept her? Children are supposed to love their mothers and vice versa. A daughter’s shame is compounded by anger or hatred towards her mother that she does not understand. She believes that it is further proof of her evil and that all of her mother’s criticisms must be true. Never feeling good enough, your life is one of continual effort and lack of accomplishment. Since love must be earned, their adult relationships can repeat a cycle of abandonment.
Control
People with NPD are nearsighted. The world revolves around them. They control and manipulate their children’s needs, feelings, and choices when they can, and take it as a personal affront that deserves punishment when they can’t. Parenting is often, “My way or the highway.” Self-involvement leads some narcissistic mothers to focus only on themselves or their children, and neglect or deprive their daughters.
Other mothers want their daughter to look and be her best “according to them,” but in the process paralyze them through criticism and control. These mothers try to live through their daughter, whom they see as an extension of themselves. They want you to dress and behave like them, and to choose boyfriends, hobbies, and jobs of their choosing. “For her own good,” they might ban or criticize what your daughter likes or wants, undermine her ability to think for herself, know what she wants, choose for herself, and pursue it. His attention to his daughter is accompanied by envy and expectations of gratitude and fulfillment.
Competence
Believing that she is “the most beautiful of all” or fearing that she is not, motivates narcissistic mothers not only to criticize their daughter, but to compete with their daughter for the love of her husband and children. These mothers may or may not deny their daughter protection if they abuse her. They may restrain or belittle their boyfriends because they are “not good enough,” but they nevertheless compete for their attention and flirt with them. To be in control and number one in your daughter’s life, you can invade your daughter’s privacy and undermine her relationships with friends and other relatives.
Recovery
Recovering from the trauma of growing up with feelings of rejection and shame takes time and effort. Ultimately, it means recovering from codependency. It begins by identifying and understanding that shameful messages and beliefs passed down from mother to daughter are false. Replacing the negative, internalized maternal voice, internal criticism, with self-care is an important step. Recovery involves healing the past and learning new skills to overcome codependency.
© DarleneLancer 2017