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Although there is a slight change in the trend, women are the main initiators of counselling. Maybe it’s because, in our culture, women are raised to be responsible for relationships. Or maybe it’s because men see counseling as a sign of weakness and don’t want to “talk about their feelings.” Whatever the case, women call to schedule more therapy sessions than men.
But what do you do if your husband or boyfriend doesn’t want to go to couples therapy? He isn’t happy, feels that the two of them could improve their communication skills, and doesn’t like the direction the marriage is taking. You may not feel like he is hearing how serious the situation is. Whatever the reason, he’s just not going to therapy.
Here are some tips to try to increase your chances of getting him to attend couples therapy:
1) Write him a letter. Sometimes putting feelings, experiences, and desires on paper helps organize thoughts and takes the intensity out of communication. It can help defuse the power struggle by allowing time and distance from the initial conflict. Also, you can read the letter on your own time and as many times as necessary to come to understand how you feel and how the relationship affects you.
2) Ask him at a non-conflict moment. Express your love and desire to make her relationship with him strong and mutually satisfying. He may be in a better place to listen to you when you’re away from the fight and not as angry.
3) Let him choose the therapist. Perhaps he would feel more comfortable with a male therapist because he feels that a man would be more understanding of his experience and therefore would not feel attacked. Also, you may want a therapist within a certain age range or of a certain religious affiliation. By choosing the therapist, you can take more responsibility in the counseling process.
4) Start therapy yourself: Perhaps working on your own perspective on issues will help you create a better way to communicate the negative effect relationship dissatisfaction is having on you and the marriage. It could also help you see what you are contributing to the contention and once you explain your role in the fight, make him feel more comfortable with couples therapy and that it could be of real value.
5) Collaborate with a therapist. You may be able to find a therapist who will invite her husband to therapy initially as an observer or “Fact Holder.” Ask her to come to therapy simply as an expert on her life to tell the therapist about her experience with you and what she thinks she needs to work on. This technique, if worked well by the therapist, is an excellent way to expose her husband to what counseling really is; that it is a safe place to express experiences and validate them. Through this initial therapy experience, you may begin to see that therapy isn’t all that bad, and that it is a place where you can really begin to get some of your needs met.
6) Threatening separation or divorce – This technique should only be used as a last ditch effort and can only be used once, maybe twice in a relationship. If you’re going to play the divorce card, you better be ready to make good on your threat. This approach means that the marriage is hanging by a thread and that thread is about to break. If you are in a dysfunctional relationship with someone who is not willing to try to improve it, you should resign yourself and stop complaining or walk away knowing that you have done everything possible and that your happiness has value.
A marriage is something worth fighting for. Try everything you can to help save him; even if it means taking advantage of your spouse for counseling. With a well thought out plan of attack and a willing therapist who recognizes the importance and value of couples therapy, you can rescue a troubled marriage. He’ll be glad you did.
If you would like more explanations on how to get your man into therapy, feel free to contact me through my website or blog by clicking on the links provided below.