By 
We are all capable of abuse when we are frustrated or hurt. We may be guilty of criticizing, judging, withholding, and controlling, but some abusers, including narcissists, take abuse to a different level. Narcissistic abuse can be physical, mental, emotional, sexual, financial, and/or spiritual. Some types of emotional abuse are not easy to detect, including manipulation. It can include emotional blackmail, threats and intimidation to exert control. Narcissists are masters of verbal abuse and manipulation. They can go so far as to make you doubt your own perceptions, which is called gaslighting.
The motivation for narcissistic abuse
Remember that narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and abuse exist on a continuum, ranging from silent to violent. Rarely will a narcissist take responsibility for her behavior. They often deny their actions and escalate the abuse by blaming the victim. In particular, malignant narcissists are not bothered by guilt. They can be sadistic and enjoy inflicting pain. They can be so competitive and unprincipled that they engage in antisocial behavior. Don’t confuse narcissism with antisocial personality disorder.
The goal of narcissistic abuse is power. They act with the intention of diminishing or even hurting other people. The most important thing to remember about intentional abuse is that it is designed to dominate you. The goals of abusers are to increase their control and authority, while creating self-doubt, shame, and dependency in their victims. They want to feel superior to avoid hidden feelings of inferiority. Understanding this can empower you. Like all bullies, despite their defenses of anger, arrogance, and self-inflation, they suffer from shame. Appearing weakness and humiliation is his greatest fear. Knowing this, it is essential not to take an abuser’s words and actions personally. This allows you to confront the narcissistic abuse.
Mistakes in dealing with abuse
When you forget an abuser’s motives, you may naturally react in some of these ineffective ways:
1. Appeasement. If placed to avoid conflict and anger, it empowers the abuser, who sees it as a weakness and an opportunity to exercise more control.
2. pleading. This also shows weakness, which narcissists despise in themselves and others. They may react dismissively with contempt or disgust.
3. Withdrawal. This is a good temporary tactic for controlling your thoughts and emotions, but it is not an effective strategy for dealing with abuse.
4. argue and fight. Arguing about the facts wastes your energy. Most abusers are not interested in the facts, but only in justifying their position and being right. Verbal arguments can quickly turn into fights that wear you out and hurt you. Nothing is gained. You lose, and you may end up feeling more victimized, hurt, and hopeless.
5. explain and defend. Anything beyond a simple denial of a false accusation leaves you open to further abuse. When you address the content of what is said and explained and defend your position, you support an abuser’s right to judge, approve of, or abuse you. Your reaction sends this message: “You have power over my self-esteem. You have the right to approve or disapprove of me. You have the right to be my judge.”
6. Seeking Understanding. This can drive your behavior if you desperately want to be understood. It is based on the false hope that a narcissist is interested in understanding you, while a narcissist is only interested in winning a conflict and having the upper hand. Depending on the degree of narcissism, sharing your feelings may also expose you to further harm or manipulation. It’s better to share your feelings with someone you know who cares about them.
7. criticize and complain. Although they can act tough, because abusers are basically insecure, inside they are fragile. They can serve it, but they can’t take it. Complaining or criticizing an abuser can provoke anger and revenge.
8. threats. Making threats can lead to retaliation or be counterproductive if you don’t carry them out. Never make a threat that you are not ready to follow through on. Limits with direct consequences are more effective.
9. Denial. Don’t fall into the denial trap by excusing, minimizing, or rationalizing the abuse. And do not fantasize that it will disappear or improve in the future. The longer it lasts, the more it grows and the weaker you can become.
10 self blame Don’t blame yourself for the actions of an abuser and try harder to be perfect. This is a hoax. You can’t make anyone abuse you. You are only responsible for your own behavior. You will never be perfect enough for an abuser to stop his behavior, which stems from his insecurities, not yours.
Confronting Abuse Effectively
Allowing abuse damages your self-esteem. Therefore, it is important to face it. That doesn’t mean fighting and arguing. It means standing your ground and speaking for yourself clearly and calmly and having boundaries to protect your mind, emotions, and body. Before setting limits, you must:
1. Know your rights. You should feel entitled to be treated with respect and that you have specific rights, such as the right to your feelings, the right not to have sex if you refuse, the right to privacy, the right not to be yelled at, touched, or disrespected. If you have been abused for a long time (or as a child), it is likely that your self-esteem has decreased. You may no longer trust yourself or be confident.
2. be assertive. This requires learning and practice to avoid being passive or aggressive. Try these short-term responses to deal with verbal put-downs:
*I’ll think about it.
* I will never be the good enough wife (husband) you hoped for
* I don’t like it when you criticize me. Please stop.” (Then walk away)
* That’s your opinion. I do not agree, (or) I do not see it that way.
* You’re saying…” (Repeats what was said. Adds, “Oh, I see.”)
* I will not talk to you when you (describe abuse, for example, “you put me down”).
Then go.
* I agree with the part that is true. “Yeah, I burned dinner.” Ignore
You are a bad cook.
* Humor – “You’re so cute when you’re mad.
3. be strategic. Know what he specifically wants, what the narcissist wants, what his limits are, and where he has power in the relationship. You are dealing with someone very defensive with a personality disorder. There are specific strategies to make an impact.
4. Set limits. Boundaries are rules that govern how you want to be treated. People will treat you the way you allow them to. You must know what your limits are before you can communicate with them. This means getting in touch with your feelings, listening to your body, knowing your rights, and learning to be assertive. They must be explicit.
Don’t hint or expect people to read your mind.
5. have consequences. After setting limits, if they are ignored, it is important to communicate and invoke consequences. These are not threats, but actions you take to protect yourself or meet your needs.
6. be educational. Research shows that narcissists have neurological deficits that affect their interpersonal reactions. Your best approach is to raise a narcissist like a child. Explain the impact of their behavior and provide incentives and encouragement for different behavior. This may involve communicating the consequences. It requires planning what you are going to say without being emotional.
get support
To respond effectively requires support. Without it, you can languish in doubt and succumb to abusive misinformation and denigration. It’s a challenge to change your reactions, let alone those of others. Expect rejection when you stand up for yourself. This is another reason why support is essential. You will need courage and perseverance. Whether or not the narcissist makes changes, he will gain tools to protect himself and boost his self-esteem that will improve how he feels whether he stays or goes. CoDA meetings and psychotherapy provide guidance and support.
Warning: If you are experiencing physical abuse, expect it to continue or escalate. Get help right away.
© Darlene Lancer 2018