By 
As a Marriage and Family Therapist for over 40 years, I have counseled many couples. With the goal of improving their relationships, I helped them understand themselves and each other, practice constructive communication, express resentments, make positive agreements, and create win-win solutions. Then I ask you to forgive yourself and others for anything you have done or said that was not loving. I tell them that they both did the best they could with the information they had, and now they know better.
I believe that most people struggle with their partners, because love is not enough and they lack the necessary ideas and solutions. “It’s like you want to build a house,” I tell them, “but you don’t have a manual or tools to succeed. Then you wonder why your relationship is struggling.”
Couples can choose to remain miserable or separate from their partners when things get too much trouble. However, often, if they resume their relationship and their behaviors have not changed, they will end up separating for good as a result. I believe that this happens because they did not learn and heal what was not working.
On the contrary, I have counseled couples who came to therapy, whether they were still together or apart, and very nicely traded their hurtful patterns for loving patterns. They were willing to grow and change.
However, if couples continue to fight during sessions, I suggest a Therapeutic Separation where they live apart and only connect with me at the office. This process helps them avoid reinforcing their old destructive patterns that drive them apart and to practice new ones.
Once I see that they get along and are kind and loving, I suggest that they start dating again. I tell them, “Your previous relationship obviously didn’t work out, love isn’t enough, and the goal is to learn and practice what it takes to maintain a successful long-term love relationship. Act like you’re starting over and being mindful.” what you’re doing and how you’re expressing yourself.
Only when they let me know that their dates went well and they feel good and enjoy each other do I suggest they go away for a weekend. If they were in harmony spending days together, I ask them if they feel ready to get back together.
If so, we still have sessions to check and resolve any of your jarring issues.
If your relationship continues to improve, we meet every other week or even once a month to make sure you’re working through issues constructively. I explain that the test of a healthy relationship is how both of you deal with upsets. If you manage to feel closer after the disharmony, you are well on your way to a successful relationship.
As you can see, if you’re having relationship problems, it’s important to learn what hurt your love connection and how to be the loving person you are. You can avoid breakup or divorce. You can have the successful, loving, long-term relationship you want, and you deserve it! Learn how and cheer up!