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We are very pleased to have CJ Golden with us, who recently published a book that is a resource for women facing life changes. Welcome to Reader Views.
Irene: You recently wrote a great resource book for women who are facing passageways to another stage of their lives. Please give us a list of your book.
CJ: Thanks for calling the book “a great resource for women.” In essence, it is a guide to follow as we move through life’s transitions and challenges. My narrator, Taogirl, is someone who inspires us to remember the acceptance of the ancient Taoist philosophy. She also reminds us to combine that with a defiant attitude: one that defies outmoded stereotypes, limitations, and self-defeating attitudes.
Irene: What inspired you to write this book?
CJ: Honestly, I needed to write this book for myself. I had an extremely difficult time accepting my birthdays each year, acknowledging that I was getting older and not knowing how to “be” at each new age and stage. I wanted to live a more active and vital life than my mother, I wanted to be more like my daughter, but I didn’t know how to do it. Or if it was possible. I was totally caught up in our youth oriented society back then.
Irene: “The Tao of the Defiant Woman”. The title of the book seems contradictory. On one hand, “Tao” refers to harmony in life and on the other hand, “challenging” refers to a person with attitude. Give us an idea of how both can meet in the middle and create the harmony of Tao.
CJ: Taoism accepts that we are all part of the Universe and since the Universe follows a natural path, so are we. That being said, Taoism is not complacent, it does not tell us to give up and give up when faced with challenges. Taoism also teaches that a healthy soul requires a healthy body to support it. Now we come to “challenging.” The dictionary defines it as bold. The attitude (or not) arises when we realize what it is that we are being asked to challenge. As I said before, this challenge is to fight stereotypes and negativity. Nowhere in the book do I tell women to defy aging or to defy a challenge in their lives. What I do recommend is challenging anything or anyone, including yourself, that prevents you from continuing on life’s path with joy and vitality.
Irene: I totally agree with you when you tell us to challenge the stereotypes and rewrite the scripts. I often think back to when she was a child and how, in my cultural community, the idea was that when a woman reached menopause she was considered “old.” When I look at photos of my grandmother when she was 10 years younger than me now, I see a very unhappy old woman. Do you think stereotypes started within cultures? Now how did she start?
CJ: Irene, I’m not a sociologist, so my thoughts are just that: my thoughts are based solely on my own beliefs and not based on scientific studies. Now that I have said that, I will answer your question: I have seen cultures other than ours here in the United States that admire the elderly for their wisdom and spirit. Even Native Americans seem to revere the older members of their society. My friends in Europe had (note the past tense) recognized the beauty of older women and did not rely on the physical changes brought by the passing of the years. However, I recently received a letter from a woman in the Netherlands who bought my book to help her come to terms with old age. When I asked her why she felt the need to, she said that we Americans are sending our youth-oriented culture across the ocean and they are accepting it.
However, you mention your grandmother as very old and very unhappy. Some of that generation accepted her age with her satisfaction. The part of my philosophy that seemed to be missing was challenge: the joy of staying vital and active. Today, medical science has allowed our bodies to stay “younger” longer. It is our attitudes that now need the “tuning up.”
Irene: You’ve dealt with hundreds of women transitioning to different stages of their lives. Do you find turning 40 the most difficult transition and why?
CJ: I have to say that the 40s were the most difficult transition for me. My children grew up and fled the nest, so they didn’t need me as a mother in the same way that I had grown accustomed to. Although I have always worked outside the home, I still defined myself as my husband’s wife and my children’s caretaker. That was changing and I wasn’t quite sure that I still had a life ahead of me, one that could focus more on “me”. For some women, the most difficult transition comes later. For a few, before. Birthdays of the decade (or even the last year before a new decade) always seem to be the hardest. Our transitions, however, do not always revolve around our age. There are changes to our health, relationships, families, business lives, and the world around us. All of these are hard.
Irene: Why do women find it difficult to transition?
CJ: It’s always hard to let go of the old and embrace the new. We knew what we had. No matter how difficult the situation was, it was familiar. And if it was great, well, who wants to leave “great” behind? Being thrust into a new situation will usually bring some uneasiness. How will we feel? What will happen to us? What will life be like in this new situation? These are all very real concerns. Women, especially, have often put their lives on hold to care for their families. They often don’t understand who they are or know what abilities and strengths they really possess. That’s where the combination of Tao and challenge comes in: accepting what we owe (the loss of the old) and doing everything possible to stay vital and joyful (accepting the new).
Irene: Is it different for men?
CJ: I suspect not, although I’m certainly not an expert. We are all human with the same fears and concerns. Men may struggle with different issues than women. And they may show (or not show) their apprehension in different ways, but I bet everyone has some area of life or transition that presents a challenge.
Irene: To which stage is the easiest transition for women? And because?
CJ: Wow. I’m not sure I have the answer for this one. Each of us travels differently. I had an extremely difficult time just knowing that I was getting old. Many women say they don’t have a problem with it. Some have trouble accepting their old and new physical attributes. Others do not care about gray hair and wrinkles. A woman could have overcome the empty nest syndrome; a divorce; career change, while another has a more difficult time dealing with one or more of these transitions. We are all made differently. However, one thing I know for sure is that it is possible to accept these challenges and continue to live life to the fullest, regardless of the changes that come our way.
Irene: For you personally, what has been the most difficult transition so far? How did you find a way to become peaceful about the transition?
CJ: I’ve had to deal with my divorce, the passing of my parents, my children growing up into independent young adults, various minor illnesses, but the most difficult transition I’ve faced took place just five years ago. No, no way, no way, I wanted to become a grandmother. That, of course, meant that I was really getting older. No matter how much I hid from my birthdays, that little boy who was going to call me grandma would let loose. Everyone would know that he was no longer twenty-five. (Of course, he saw me as a very old and emaciated twenty-five year old when in fact I was fifty-seven.) One of the stories in the book tells of Joanne who worked in a craft store. One day she met an older customer who was sporting a cute baseball cap covered in studs and buttons. When asked about her hat, the women said that as long as she was a grandmother, she was going to be the “eccentric” grandmother to those children. After all, “every child deserves an eccentric grandmother,” she concluded. Joanne took it very seriously, and hearing the story, so did I. I now love being the “eccentric” grandmother to my three grandchildren. What a joy they are. I learned that being a grandmother did not make me “old”. It did not prevent me from continuing to be vital and joyful. “Old” was only in my head and I didn’t have to let it stay there and hold me back any longer. How much I would have missed if I had not learned that lesson!
Irene: Television and movies often define a woman by her body shape. Most of us are not what the media portrays us, we know it’s superficial, yet we desire the bodies of a youthful figure.
CJ: That’s a shame, isn’t it? And every time we allow ourselves to go under the knife, get liposuction, or medically alter our bodies or faces, we are perpetuating that myth and culture of the “perfect youthful body.” I know I need to lose some weight, not because I don’t like the way I look (okay thanks, somewhere between Sandra Bullock and Queen Latifa and they both look amazing just the way they are). My desire to lower the numbers on my scale is based solely on maintaining the most desirable weight for optimal health. Perhaps if more of us stop falling into the “be young and skinny to be beautiful” trap, we can slowly change the cultural perception of beauty. How cool would that be?!
Irene: CJ, you are very encouraging to women facing transition. The important thing is that we realize that we are always in transition, from the beginning of our birth. It just seems harder when we get wiser. Her book, “The Tao of the Defiant Woman — A Guide to Life Over 40” gives us permission to be who we are and accept the wisdom we gather along the way. Thank you very much for taking the time to chat with us. Is there anything else you’d like our readers to know about her book?
CJ: My hope is that not only the book, but also the philosophy, will travel across the country helping women through these very difficult transitions in life. We need to strengthen ourselves by being role models for each other and creating supportive communities. I call these communities “Taogirl Gatherings,” where we come together in small groups for support; learning from each other and recognizing the strength we have as a group of people. My website has been created to help all Taogirls come together and share. In it, women will find a question and answer page, information about my travels as I travel the country hosting workshops and conferences. There’s a Taogirl Wisdom of the Week, a light and uplifting quote, that you can subscribe to and receive by email every Sunday. The sequel to THE TAO OF WOMAN CHALLENGE is in the planning stage and will be written by those readers who are willing to share their experiences with me as they follow their own Tao and challenging path. Information about that is also on the website. I sincerely hope that women reading this will visit the website, http://www.taogirl.com. I would also love to hear from them personally; maybe help them start their own Taogirl Gathering. My email address is [email protected].
Irene, I thank you for allowing me this opportunity to speak with you. It has been a pleasure and always exciting to be able to share my Tao philosophy and challenging Taogirl.