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It pains me to say that I’m old enough to remember employment counselors telling people to use “I’m a bit of a perfectionist” as an answer to the classic interview question about strengths. Thanks to work in the field of psychology and the writings of popular authors like Brene’ Brown, most of us now realize that the burning need to be perfect all the time can be destructive. While striving for perfection seems like a laudable goal, in reality perfectionism gets out of control very quickly and can have dire results.
The desire to always be perfect can lead to worry-filled procrastination and a life full of unfinished projects. All to know Deep down it is impossible to be perfect. This knowledge can lead the runaway perfectionist to put off starting or finishing work because he knows the end result probably won’t be flawless. In the end, this means that nothing is actually accomplished, while the perfectionist waits for the perfect time and perfect conditions.
While you expect everything to be okay, perfectionism makes you sick and miserable. Perfectionists tend to have more anxiety, migraines, depression, and chronic pain conditions. However, they may be reluctant to seek medical help until their symptoms become unbearable for fear of appearing weak or deficient.
It may not make you seem weak, but perfectionism can make you seem tough, tough, and unforgiving. Perfectionists who try to make others conform to their own impossible standards make difficult partners and bosses. They come across as unreasonable and mean, or completely out of touch with how things work in the real world. Colleagues, friends, and family may begin to avoid these picky eaters, and this isolation can further unsettle perfectionists and cause them to become even more committed to their goal of being perfect, sometimes triggering depression and anxiety.
Just hearing “no one is perfect” or “everyone makes mistakes” is not enough to reboot the perfectionist’s brain. They already know, on an intellectual level, that mistakes are a normal part of life and absolute perfection is impossible. However, that doesn’t change how they feel. Perfection holds the promise of acceptance, respect, and even love in the perfectionist’s mind. It will take more than a slogan to change this kind of thinking. If you are a perfectionist and want to change, what can you do?
Start by trying to understand perfectionism in general and your own perfectionist tendencies. There is a lot of good literature as well as interesting videos available. In addition to Brene’ Brown, check out comments by Charley Haversat or Dr. Martin M. Antony. Not everyone defines perfectionism the same way, and it can be helpful to look at a few definitions and ask if any of them ring true for you. Honestly assess whether your need to be perfect is a problem for you or those around you.
Realize that your past is not your present and should not be your future. Many perfectionists are raised in the melting pot of a demanding family or an inflexible school system. As an adult, you are in charge of running your life. You may need to work with a coach or therapist, but you can set your own reasonable standards. Make sure the voice in your head assessing your expectations is one you respect and not just an echo from childhood.
Recognize the difference between the pursuit of excellence and perfectionism. Moving away from perfectionism does not mean that we settle for sloppy, shoddy, low-quality work as the norm. You don’t have to give up your high (reasonable) standards. Progress requires trial and error, and the willingness to be wrong. Staying in your safe zone to avoid mistakes will severely limit your opportunities. However, completely abandoning any expectation of a top-quality job can have the same career-stagnation impact. Real effort that results in excellence remains a commendable way of living. The key to recovering from perfectionism is learning to accept mistakes as something natural and neutral, then and only then can you move forward to learn from them and even value their existence.