By 
My boyfriend and I broke up a few weeks ago. The relationship was ten months old and I was in love. Although it felt like torture, I couldn’t ignore that abrupt and sad moment when I realized that there was little chance our relationship would survive.
How did I know the time had come? I reviewed the second clause of the contract that I made with myself that governs my relationships. (I will explain the first clause in my next post.)
Clause No. 2: “You must fulfill your Five Relationship Showstoppers.”
The sensationals are things that you must have in your relationship to be happy in it. Sensational ones are important to you, because without them, the relationship feels difficult and unfulfilling. With them, the relationship feels effortless (even if it isn’t).
My sensationals:
The moment I realize one is missing, I take a closer look at my overall happiness in the relationship.
We each have our own list of things we need to be happy in our relationship. The crazy thing is… very few people consciously reveal these needs to themselves, let alone reveal them to their partners. Most people “off the cuff” and hope for the best. Sure, it’s possible. But would you sign a business contract without first deciding what you want from the deal? That people take such a huge risk with their hearts is a mystery to me. It is inconceivable why people stay in relationships that drain them of their precious resources, such as love, passion, integrity, etc.
I admit that my rational self often leaves the room when the survival of my relationship is threatened. Based on three relationship conversations I’ve had this week, I know I’m not alone here. When you deeply love someone, the last thing you want to do is leave them…even when you know the cost of being in the relationship outweighs the benefits you receive.
No one wants their relationships to end. Because most of us fear this, we find all sorts of reasons to turn a blind eye. But really, is it better to be in a difficult and awkward relationship than being single and hoping that the love of your life is waiting to meet you? Not for me.
Showstoppers is about self-respect and maintaining your integrity. The concept is a guide that I created many years ago while single and envisioning my future relationship. When I hold this fantasy relationship in my mind’s eye, it makes me feel happy and complete. I trust it will guide me through those confusing times when my current relationship feels out of control, when I become self-critical and wonder “is it me?”
Obstacles force us to prioritize our needs.
When our partners are with us all the time, who doesn’t get annoyed by their idiosyncrasies? A bad mood can escalate minor problems. But you can put these issues in perspective, as long as you know your relationship priorities. If your husband suddenly starts smoking cigars at night and you can’t stand it, work it out or let it go if being with a non-smoker isn’t on your priority list.
Some of my friends don’t like the term “amazing.” They feel the concept is too structured and not romantic enough, preferring to let love take them on a wild ride. They insist that no relationship is perfect and that by creating their list they could have a relationship later, and they are not easy to find! Exactly. No relationship is perfect or easy to achieve.
But if we compromise our integrity just to stay in a relationship, it won’t last anyway. Perhaps the term is a bit harsh and too businesslike. If you think so, come up with your own phrase that means “my ingredients for a healthy relationship.”
Truly, they are “tough love angels.” Although my heart and ego fight to stay longer, my obstacles force me to be true to myself.
Yeah, it sucks to break up. Who likes to cry for hours and suffers the shock of realizing that he is alone…again. But how much time do we have for a couple who cannot provide for our basic needs? It is nobody’s fault.
Hold true love. It may take longer to find, but the wait will be worth it.